what the fuck, chuck?
that's right...jj's back, and in full kick-ass, foul-mouthed, ranting style! so what's been up, my beautiful dland sluts?
i know it's been a long-ass time, but for a while i think i had just lost that complete anger and self-loathing, not to mention that total lack of respect and complete revoltion for other humans, that you had all loved to hate and hated to love. so as they say at even the most ghetto-ass fair, buckle up, and keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times! HEH!
a lot of shit has happened...so let me just touch on it. i'm engaged to be married, and will be getting married in september. i never saw that one coming, believe me. but it's time to get out of this mess once and for all...if any of you have read my past rantings you would know how hard it is for me to live in my current situation. to be quite honest, i know that's a terrible reason to get married, but i know that at 32 years old, with two children to support, making it on my own with a piddly office manager job that doesn't pay me shit isn't going to cut it. i need help. and he loves my girls...actually, he adores them. and i know that for the most part, i do adore him. so that is a bright spot.
sometimes i get very fucked up over this whole thing. i've always been a person to say that i would never get married, mostly because i don't believe in the idea that most people stay together forever, and that is what i would like more than anything. i also believe the person you marry has a tendancy to change after you're married, and that bothers me, as i feel he is already starting to. my case in point:
1. when we first got together, he used to send me flowers all the time at my office, or bring me little presents. that seems to be dwindling off into the great NOTHING.
2. he once told me to tell him if i was upset or bothered by something he did, and we'd work it out. so ok, even though this was a hard thing to do as a female, i fucking did it! i started saying hey listen fucker, i am sick of this shit, or whatever. well, his idea of fixing it is to get competely defensive, and then argue me into what he thinks is the answer that says the loudest: "jj, it's not MY fucking fault!"
well people, i got news: it's always someone's motherfucking fault.
3. he used to care about his appearance, and really go out of his way to look nice when we saw one another. i think this one here bothers me as much as #2. i mean, when i see him, i always shower, do my hair, make sure my nails look manicured, do my makeup, and i especially make sure i smell good. but now he doesn't even come close to that...he goes to work, which yes, he has a hard job, works sheet metal at Deere, but will come home after work, see me all looking nice and cleaned up, and want to make love before he even takes a shower. i mean, he will be filthy. or what is even worse, he will show up to my office to bring me lunch, when he doesn't have to be to work until 2:30. still dirty from the night before. real fucking charming, right? and how do i say to him, please care about how you look again! i love him a lot, don't get me wrong, it's just that i like my man to look clean, look shaven, where some nice jeans and button down shirt or sweater, and put on some cologne. i appreciate that in a man.
i need advise, and fast!!!!
well, i should go...oh, and i wanted to say really quick, that my email hasn't been working really the greatest, (i have sent a bunch of forwards), but i haven't been able to reply or send any emails to any of you who have written me. but it's all fixed now, so if you want to holla at me, go for it!
PEACE THE MUTHAFUCK OUT!!!
jj
