after talking to my mother, i think my brain has finally started to absorb the fact that i need to chill out with hulio. really. i mean, he has done nothing wrong whatsoever, and here i am, constantly worrying and suspecting the worst about every little instance. it's just crazy. starting a new relationship is suppose to be fun, and here i am, allowing myself to feel so miserable that i just want to back out of the whole thing. which of course would be the easy way out. and deep down, i don't want that!
he obviously still wants to talk to me, and thinks about me when i'm not around. so why do i have to freak out? it makes me so mad at myself. i mean, here i am, sitting here writing in my diary about how i should be happy. that is just plain stupid. the only thing i am going to end up doing is drawing something bad to me, which i don't want. tonight we talked for about an hour or more....and we laugh the entire time. so why do i hear this shit in the back of my mind constantly? where is this all going? i need him to tell me. should i ask him? no...i should just let it ride. i don't want to freak him out. what does he think of me? does he think of me as a woman he could actually become attached to? does he think of me as someone he could be serious about, eventually? what are his intentions? is he sincere? is he dating other people? it's not like we have decided to be together exclusively......should i just come out and ask him if he is seeing other women? would he think i was being desperate? does he want to travel back down here and see me again? he hasn't said anything about it yet......would he ever want me to come to his house? was i just sex for him? should i have waited, or was it right to go with what i feel? well, i bet you never knew that i had this big of a vulnerable side with the mouth i have on me, and the big tough shit image i'm always putting out there. but believe me, i do. i am a big ass softy deep down. and when i fall for a guy, boy do i ever. i get attached very easily, when i do allow myself. these questions swirling around in the back of my mind night and day are going to make me insane. i wish, for once, that i could just trust my feelings, and myself......and for once, god i don't want to get burned. peace, i'm out~ jj10:59 p.m. - October 06, 2002
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