now that i've finally come home and relaxed a little maybe i can type this entry.....i was very scared today about my mother going to the doctor, and felt like i should have been there. but she called and told me the doctor said that the damage isn't near as bad as they thought, and the valve on her heart isn't leaking enough to warrant surgery. she has to have a stress test every year, but otherwise, she's good to go. ever since she first told me about her heart, all i could think of is how me and my step-dad are killing her with all the fighting we do. well, he fights with me, and i don't take shit well. and it goes from there. if there was a way to make it better, a way to take my mom out of the middle, i'd do it.
my doctor appointment was a whole other matter. i had to tell the doctor how i've been feeling like a person who could jump out of her skin at any moment. i've been clenching my jaw so tight lately that when i try to chew my teeth actually scream in agony. i've lost eleven pounds, and sometimes i feel like someone is peeling back my scalp and poking my brain with a stick.
why?
all in the name of methodone withdrawl. i feel like some fuckin crack junkie. and that shit is WRONG.
and for the longest time, i was so ashamed to tell anyone i was even taking it, because when someone hears that you take methodone, they think you are a closet heroin freak. they don't understand that methodone is a drug that is also commonly used for severe pain. so i have hid this for three years from a lot of people, especially employers. getting off of it has been a living hell. and it still is. but i still have to live. i have to do all the things a normal mother does, like cook and clean, do laundry, take her kids to school and activities, etc. so at least for today, anyway, i am trying to live.
peace, i'm out~
jj
i woke the same as any other day
except a voice was in my head.
it said seize the day, pull the trigger
drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads....
the day i tried to live
i stole a thousand beggar's change
and gave it to the rich.
the day i tried to win
i dangled from the power lines
and let the martyrs stretch.
singing one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
the day i tried to live.
words you say never seem
to live up to the ones inside your head...
the lives we make never seem
to ever get us anywhere but dead.
the day i tried to live
i wallowed in the blood and mud with
all the other pigs
singing one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
the day i tried to live.
yeah i tried.
i woke the same as any other day you know i should have stayed in bed!!!
the day i tried to win
i wallowed in the blood and mud with
all the other pigs!!!
and i learned that i was a liar...
singing one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
one more time around might do it.
one more time around might make it.
the day i tried to live.
just like you.
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