I hate my life.
But that's right...I already said that, didn't I?
This past weekend was so fucked up, I don't know if I can even begin to explain it with words. But I'll try.
First of all, I have to start by saying that I locked up that last entry about M because I am afraid his buddies will read it and have a fucking field day. And believe me, they would.
So anyway...I had decided last Sunday that avoiding him until the dreaded day of departure wasn't going to work. It would still hurt to avoid him just as much as it would to see him go. And, because I had developed a really bad habit in the meantime to cover up my feelings instead of dealing with them, I decided that I would face them dead on, which would help me to stop.
MISTAKE.
Well, it worked for a while.
Anyway, M and I were supposed to go out of town together this weekend and be together, and I was so happy. Cloud fucking nine, to be exact.
Out of no where, he cancels. And at the very last fucking minute. Says his ex is going. But he still wants me to go - you know, moral support for the band, and everything. Right. So I say what I think every self-respecting female would say at this point: FUCK THAT.
So he tells me: Well, I didn't know that there was an "ulterior motive" for you driving up.
That's all I hear him say in my head now...all I hear are the words ULTERIOR MOTIVE ULTERIOR MOTIVE ULTERIOR MOTIVE.
As if my feelings for him were somehow sneaky, or underhanded, or contrived. He knows how I feel...I've told him straight out. He knows.
So this weekend, you guessed it: I was completely blown.
Do you ever feel like you're living a double life? I do. In one life, I'm doing what everyone wants of me: I go to school, I get good grades, I'm working towards a degree. I take care of myself and my two children. I work for my mom and dad now at their business part-time. I clean the house and cook dinner on my days off school. Hell, my whole life is practically dictated by what they want, by what they expect.
Then there is another life, one where I do what I want when I want, where my friends are unknown, where what I do is kept secret. There is a part of me that is wild and completely spinning out of control.
And I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. All I do know is that I'd just like for once to look at them and say, See Me Now.
1:22 a.m. - December 10, 2003
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