yep yep....you know it. Jj had to go and fuck with her layout once more. and now that i've found some colors that i think are pretty cool ( not that my other ones aren't kick ass....i love black and purple! ), i just was thinking last nite that it was time for a little revamping, especially with what i have in mind for the new review site this weekend. i really like the mix of the black, purple, and red....what do you guys think? and i deleted all the shitty review links i had up.....now i only have about five up that i deem worthy (so far). but that shit is all subject to change! heh!
you know, i was thinking about names: so far i have nomorebullshit reviews, or bitchslap reviews, or else fuck~reviewers~they're~all~dumber~than~bricks! except me of course......LMFAO! but hey, i'm going to post up a message on the good old noneforyoudearie board, so if y'all would like to give me some suggestions for a name, i would be most honored. the other day, i cruised over to my best friend didi's house, to hang out while my girls were at their dance lessons for the night, and just shoot the shit. she recently has been remodeling her entire house with her fiance, which included tearing out all of the fucking walls and the ceiling in two rooms, which gave them about seven-eight foot ceilings in those rooms. so, i went over to check out the big progress, which is pretty good so far. it's going to be really nice. anyway....we're outside on her porch sharing a smoke, and to my fucking absolute horror, the conversation turns into this: didi: guess who i ran into the other nite at the hospital while i was visiting my sister? me: ( getting real fucking nervous now, because i know damn well who it is she's going to say.) so i say, real low and scared-like: who? didi: randy. ( this is amanda and alyssa's pathetic, low-down, fuckwitt father. he's the i'm so low, i'm lower than shitdust - a waste of good air, and above all skin, subhuman motherfucker that i mated with. yeah i know....my fucking fault, all the way ) me: man.....damn, didi. i knew you were going to say that. didi: yeah, he was there with some skanky slut we went to high school with, and his two-year-old son. ( that he of course supports fully, but my daughters aren't even worth the court-ordered $210.00 a month in child support. ) didi: i guess his dumb ass kid stuck his finger in a bike or something. that stupid kid didn't even need to fucking be there. i told randy he must be just like his dad. ( i just love didi, she is stone cold ruthless if need be! so to this i burst out laughing. ) me: i was really hoping that he left the state, so that's just my fucking luck. didi: you know, he tried to shake dan's hand, and dan flat out fucking ignored him. you know dan has always hated him. ( dan is didi's fiance, and he is real protective of me and the girls, being that he sees no fucking sense in abandoning your child, because he and didi have a daughter that is nine. to this i busted up again. but this time, there was no response fucking necessary for that one. ) didi: he didn't even have the fucking decency to ask me if i'd seen the girls, and how they are doing. what a fucking dickhead! so i said to him, right in front of his cunt, "hey randy, don't you want to know about your daughters? oh yeah, by the way...they're doing great without you." ( not exactly the truth, but damn she's good. ) me: well, it's just as well. like i said, i wish he'd just disappear. vanish in thin air or some shit. poof. then didi tells me how the douche-bag, in-complete-denial, slut from hell starts telling didi what for. and didi, she takes NO shit. she tells me, "i got right up in her face, and told her to shut the fuck up, or she'd swallow teeth. and the girl turned white." didi said it was the funniest shit she'd ever seen. at least the dumb cunt had sense enough to shut the fuck up. well.....you know, i was really proud of myself, because me saying i wish he'd just move away or vanish into thin air someday is about two of the nicest things i've ever had to say about him in the last four years. now of course i enjoyed hearing about didi and dan ripping on him and his honey - and thoroughly, but hell.......now all i hope deep down is that one of these days, when my daughters and i are walking down the street, we don't run into the fuck and his new little family. that shit would devastate my girls. the two of them were with me one night shopping at target, and we were having a really good time. this was three years ago, after his new baby was born. so we are walking around target, and an old friend of mine and the asshole's, named racquelle, came up and told me point blank, right in front of my girls, that their dad has a new girlfriend, and a new baby to boot. my oldest daughter, amanda, was crushed. she took it so hard, i found out about a month later that she was taking metal pieces off of a spiral notebook, or else just using her fingernails or a pencil, and cutting/clawing her arms, because she couldn't take all of the pain she felt. i figured it out right away, and took her to a psychiatrist. she told me one time that she just must not be good enough for him to love.....that he hated her and that's why he took off. that shit nearly broke me in two. but, i had to be really strong, not only for amanda, but for all three of us. alyssa, on the other hand, doesn't remember him a whole lot. she knows he's her dad and who he is, but she never really bonded with him......i guess that's what i mean by remembering. this i am grateful for. but amanda......it scares me that one of these days, she'll grab on to some worthless asshole and hold on for all she's worth, just to avoid being abandoned. i hope somehow, through my actions in my relationships and my talks with her, that i can help her overcome what her father did to her. i really thought it was all getting to the point of being behind me. behind me in the respect, i mean, that i don't feel so guilty about choosing him in the first place, long ago. i thought that i wasn't a bitter hag anymore. i was so fucking wrong!! it hurts me more than any pain i can describe, because he not only abandoned amanda and alyssa, but he went off and had another child. and that pain just kills me for them. the one thing in life that is the hardest thing that i believe you'll ever go through, is not being able to shelter/protect your child from that kind of pain. there's just no way. and when someone deliberately puts them through it, especially their own fucking parent, for god's sake, you really do, no matter how hard you try to let it go, wish that person fucking dead. i apologize that this entry is so fucking long! but this shit has been circulating around in my heart, and of course in my mind, since tuesday. so thank you for reading...i appreciate it. well, i have to get my butt to school now......but i will be around tonight. until then~ peace, i'm out~ jj10:07 a.m. - September 06, 2002
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