as some of you may have noticed, i reopened my diary today. i have honestly missed being able to write down my thoughts when i feel the need, and have also missed many of the people (except a chosen few), that i have been in contact with almost every day and read up on since the very beginning when i first started this diary. it was hard shutting my diary down for a while, but i had many more reasons for doing that than some of you may think. i'm sure that my former, so-called friends (and others around diaryland - including people from other sites that i have managed to piss off highly at one time or another), were rejoicing when they thought i shut down. and, knowing how it goes over at bitchfest, (being that i've posted the same nasty things myself about other people many times), i'm as sure as i'm sitting here typing that many of the posters there thought it was hilarious that i shut down - hoping beyond hope that they ran me off of the internet for good - and making no bones about saying so. well, i'm sorry to disappoint everyone who had their hopes up. well, on second thought: nope, i'm not sorry! i think the thought is pretty funny, actually.
so what happened? well, to tell you all the truth, the shit that went down at bitchfest was completely fucking stupid, and my being banned actually dropped out of the sky so hard and so fast, i honestly had a hard time believing it at first. but here is the deal: one day, after being friends with edna for about three years, i made the god-awful mistake of speaking with and getting to know a girl named amber, who was slammed by the crew over at the board because they despised her layout. well, edna's man david, a moderator of the board, decided i was a backstabber for speaking with amber because he didn't like what amber had to say back to all of us, (which amber was rude on all of us, by the way), and so he just up and banned me from the board. the reasoning behind banning me was because of something i said in amber's user notes, and the following is a direct quote from what i wrote to her: "thanks for the note. i suspected you were cool all along, like i said. the same is true of us at bitchfest - we don't usually bother messing with someone unless they've really captured our attention, otherwise, we just ignore them! ha. anyway, you should come over and post there, we'd be glad to have you. i'll talk to the bitches, and let them know what's up." so, what i was basically saying to amber was that i would talk to the bitches, and let them know the deal about how i got to know her, that i figured out that she was pretty cool, and that i would see what they thought about her posting to the board. i even went to the board and said this: "anyway, i wanted to say that i've been talking back and forth with amber tonight, and she seems like a cool chick. why do i like her? because she is a shit-stirrer like the lot of us! lol! so i told her to come on over and join the fun - she'll fit right in." and this, my friends, is why i was banned from bitchfest by david artois. inviting my friend was an obvious cardinal fucking sin, and all because some of the shit amber said got under david's skin, (which it was meant to - that's why she fucking wrote it!). so boo fucking hoo, cry me a river and all that. obviously, it's proof that there are two more people on the planet who can sure dish the shit out - and i mean seriously dish it out - but boy, they sure can't take it. there were also three entries that amber wrote in her diary, which i thought were pretty damned funny, and the links to those are: bitch again, it keeps getting funnier, and under the skin. so amber won, because she succeeded in getting a big fucking rise out of the members of bitchfest, just like she was hoping. pathetic, if you ask me. i mean, come on guys! you know me, and you all know that i would have fought with everything i had if it would have been me, and there would have been NO WAY IN HELL that i would have banned her from posting at my board. but that's just me. the other thing that is really fucked up is the fact that not only did edna go along with david on it entirely, but she told me that i had no right whatsoever to invite amber to the board. i was told that what i did was "completely unacceptable". but, it was ok that i invited cortney, kim, rebecca, and steph. another thing that i thought was really bad, after being friends with edna for as long as i have, is that edna couldn't even email me and talk to me about it, if she was so upset. she could have wrote me and said to me, "jj, i understand if you want to speak with amber, but from now on i would appreciate it if you would not talk to other people that i really don't know about posting to the board." or "jj, i would appreciate it if you would not invite people to the board yourself." that would have been fine - and that would have been that, plain and simple. but instead, i found out that she never really gave a shit about me at all. and boy did that hurt me. yes, for a day or so i acted all tough about it, and talked a really good game about "fuck all of you guys, i don't need you, you guys are all the backstabbers...", blah blah. but in all honesty, it hurt me so bad when i found out about what happened that i just sat in from of the computer, staring straight ahead and shaking. also, in the last week and a half since i've left bitchfest and closed my diary, i've only heard from three people that i really considered friends from the board, and spoke with every day. those three are the only people, out of all of the friends i "thought" i had through bitchfest, who have wrote me and asked me if i was ok, and kept in contact with me. and did i do anything to any of the others at bitchfest? no, not at all. but now, when i think about it, all i can do is know that i'm better off. if that is the value that was put on my friendship, then it is so much better to know the truth now. if that was the extent to which the people that i honest to god considered true friends cared for me in return, then it is better to be thrown out into the cold, and suffer the hurt now. for now i'm going, but there will definitely be more to come later. have a good one guys~ jj2:57 a.m. - March 16, 2003
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