i'm back. i wanted to rewrite this entry, before i lose the thoughts that keep zooming through my mind about the whole thing. so here goes.
when i was wrote an entry on the whole bitchfest drama, i left out some very important things. actually, i wrote about it, but when i transferred the entry, it was deleted, and i've been thinking of it ever since. i feel that i am partly to blame for being banned from the board. this is not to say that i don't blame edna or david for their actions. but i know i have a lot of responsibility in what happened, and mainly because of this: when i first came on to diaryland in 2000, i wrote from the heart, and was honest about a lot of my feelings. i originally wanted this diary as an outlet to some of the pain and frustration i feel. but after a little while, i started to feel like i sounded pathetic, and i hated that. i hated feeling vulnerable, i hated exposing my raw feelings, i hated my life. so i created a new me for the internet. an alter-ego, so to speak. i ranted, raved, cursed, and hated everyone. i cursed everything in life i hated, i made a joke of all the things that bothered me, and everyone around me. and out of all that lunacy, the image of jj was born. at first, it was fun. but then after a while, it started getting out of control. i was mean and cruel to people who didn't really deserve it at all. enter liz bateman. the two of us went rounds with each other. we duked it out. we were both as nasty as we could be to each other. and one day, it really started to bother me. i started to think that if i met liz on the street, i would never treat her the way i was treating her on the internet. i would never be heartless and cruel to anyone. i mean, in my life, that person would have to do something extremely terrible to me to provoke my hate. so i wrote to her. i told liz that i was sorry, that i wanted the fighting to stop, and that i knew she was just fighting back. i called a truce. and liz, she was very gracious about it. enter bitchfest. because edna, david, and kaitlyn were having problems with liz also, they took this as a betrayal. and after i called the truce, things were not the same between us. david wouldn't speak to me at all. edna quit emailing me, and so did kaitlyn, pretty much. and you know, to be honest, i thought they would understand. but instead of being my friends, like i thought they were, they treated me as if i had said to them, "your feelings mean nothing to me. what has happened between you and liz doesn't mean anything." that wasn't the case at all. i was just tired of fighting, and tired of myself. i wanted some peace. but instead of doing what i wanted to do deep down, i went back on my word with liz. i couldn't take it that i was losing my friends. i didn't want to lose them. and that was a big mistake on my part. now i know that the people i just mentioned at bitchfest will deny that they had anything to do with my actions with liz until their dying day. they will deny their part in it, but when the shit went down with amber, and they booted me off the board just for speaking with her, (and mainly because she dogged irish people - BOO HOO), edna, david, and kaitlyn all three threw that shit up in my face about liz. kaitlyn even said she was "pulling away" from me all along, and was pretty much glad to see me go. man that hurt, and especially coming from someone that i had always gone out of my way to defend. but i guess you'll have that. i also know that it won't be long until they read this, and when they do, they will pick apart what i say, post mean shit, call me a backstabber, and it will go on and on. and at one time, i might have cared. but not anymore. that is why i say that i had a part in this. i couldn't hold up the mean, bad-ass attitude anymore. i was starting to talk with other people that i had previously fought with, and found out that they were great. that's the person i am. yeah, i curse a lot, i speak my mind, i tell the truth, brutal or no. but it's the people that can actually get under your skin that i've always considered worth my time. i guess my so-called "friends" couldn't understand that. but that's life, isn't it? and life is a bitch. like i said, it's better off this way. now, i am thinking of starting a whole new diary. i want to shed this skin, and start over, and show who i really am, and what i'm made of. and i'm starting by saying sorry to liz, and anyone else down the line that i've been unnecessarily cruel to. don't get me wrong here, because one part of me still remains true: i will fight anyone who crosses me until the bitter end, and i will always look out for my friends. but i'm not on a mission to seek and destroy any longer. another thing: i believe that a big part of being brutally honest is being honest with yourself. enough said. when i do start the new diary, i will leave a link so anyone who is interested in reading can get to it. i am thinking of going back to a basic diaryland template, and customizing it to my liking, just like i used to do. well kids, i better fly for now. anatomy homework calls, and i have a literature assignment that's begging for attention. until next time, have a good one, people. xxx~ jj9:31 a.m. - March 26, 2003
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