i can't sleep. i have a definite disease called too much on the brain, of which there is no cure. so i am hoping that by writing again, i will get some of it out of my system, and then all these thought and worries won't be spinning round and round in my addled brain until morning. something like that anyway.
i sat up for a long time tonight and talked with my mom about her doctor visit. i just couldn't talk to her earlier with my dad in the room. he gets on my nerves real fuckin quick. when they got home from her appointment today, he right away started talking for her, instead of letting my mother tell me in her own words. but hey, it's only HER fucking heart condition, so why the fuck should she get to talk, right??? so anyway....after i got him to shut up and let my mom start telling me what happened, my oldest daughter walked in from tending to her horse for the evening. this is the convo from there:
amanda: hi grandma. hi grandpa.
HIM: amanda, we need to talk.
me: david....please don't.
HIM: your granda just came back from the doctor...she has something wrong with her heart.
amanda: starting to get upset
HIM: so she can't have ANY stress..that means YOU. (he's such a dick - yeah, let's make the poor eleven year old shoulder THAT one, ok???).
me: david, i want you to stop, NOW.
HIM: i can tell her what's going on....
me: NO, you can't. these are MY children, and I will decide what they are told, when I want to. NOT YOU.
HIM: I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL HER WHATEVER I WANT......YOU LIVE HERE UNDER MY ROOF, I'M THE ONE RAISING THEM.
me: like HELL you are....
at this point i take my daughter in the other room with me and slam the door. thanks, dad, for not giving my mother any stress. fucking moron.
this is so much bullshit, i just want to fucking scream. i mean, it isn't enough that i have been worried sick all fucking day with this shit, no. but now i have to take my scared to death little girl in the other room and reassure her that grandma isn't going to die.
i don't even know that for sure myself.
on another note....i have a total BITCH about clix here. it goes something like this:
have you ever noticed all the fucking banners on clix advertising all kinds of sexually perverted and neurotic shit, but then when you click on the link like the nympho you are, the fucking diary has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FUCKING LINK?????? like, the banner will say: "turbo sluts from hell will suck you raw" or some shit like that, but then when you read the diary, it's like some high school girl complaining about her parents, teachers, or semi-pubescent boyfriend?????
this shit really sends me into outer fucking orbit. i mean really!!
oh hell, now i KNOW i need sleep.
peace, i'm out~
jj
