"...Map Mange Ou Sans Sel..."

a day in the life
2:34 p.m. on April 17, 2002

ANGRY RANTS PART ??? it'a all just a day in the life...

today i'm sitting home, being bored off my fucking ass. i've been so bored, i have even stooped to watching "the real world" on mtv. i hate that fucking show, but there isn't anything good on to watch!! they just don't get it on that show, you know??? i mean, they really think they have fucking PROBLEMS on that show, can you believe it??? i can't. i mean shit people, the producers on mtv picked you to be on this show. they fucking PAID for you to live in this house. they have set you up with a pseudo-fakey fucking JOB, ok?? this is so far from the real fucking world i can't even begin to relate.......i mean, come on!!! the only problems they have on that show is who hates who in the house, or who's fucking who at the moment. ok, fuck it, i'm turning the tv off.

being unemployed had it's good points, for a time. i got to see my soaps every day, lay around, and basically do nothing.....my one dream in life. now being home is starting to grind down on my last fucking nerve. go figure.

ever since i lost my job, all i've heard out of my dad is that basically i'm a lazy ass. "oh, and by the way jamie, what did you do today???" he sneers. "have you even gotten up off the couch and applied for any jobs??" i just give him the blank, no clue, expressionless no feeling stare, thinking all the while, "how about you go fuck yourself???"

he has no fucking CLUE what i've done all day. (like clean the house from top to bottom, run errands for the house, do laundry, look for a job, etc) and there is no way i'm even going to try and enlighten his dumb ass.

there have been no jobs to speak of. every day i go get a paper and look through it, for the shittiest job i could possibly do. then i go apply for said shit jobs. there's nothing there in healtcare, which i have a fucking degree to do.....nothing, nada. and then there's the fact that if i found a job, i would have to forget all about getting unemployment from the crazy chiros i used to work for. like i said in a past entry, it's not that i even want their money. it's the FUCKING PRINCIPLE OF THE SHIT. and i am totally dedicated to fighting them on it. they have already tried to get out of paying me, so now i have to write a letter stating what happened.....yadda yadda yadda, and i have a phone interview set up with the state unemployment agency here. so, this in itself will be enough to worry about, for the time being.

another thing that comes to mind is this: when i got my taxes back this year, i recieved almost $6,000 in earned icome credit, which i promptly handed half of it over to the asshole who calls me a lazy ass. why? yeah, i know.....why is almost like a trick fucking question. well, because i live in my parents house, and they help me out A LOT, so i feel like i owe them something back. and with my half of that money, i have basically nickled and dimed the fucking hell out of it to help with household expenses, etc, when i have bills up the ass of my own to constantly worry about. so my question is this: how many single mothers do you know (or anyone else for that matter), that would give a rat's fucking ASS about helping their parents out??? or who would give a shit about helping their parents pay for THEIR PERSONAL FUCKING INCOME TAXES??? i know a lot of people out there who would, but i know a hell of a lot more who wouldn't. so i am really sick of hearing i'm a lazy ass without a fucking job.......and especially from someone who raised me and supposedly fucking loves me.

i went to the doctor yesterday......i have had a terrible headache for the past couple days. so i thought i'd go in, get a prescription, go home, pop some pain pills, lay down for awhile, and everything would be much better. man was i fucking deluded.

i have had bad migraines my whole life. the first headache i remember having, i was ten. i had been playing outside with a friend of mine, and all of a sudden my head was pounding so hard, it felt like it could split right down the middle of my forehead. i felt like i had to literally crawl home to lay down. now i am almost 30 years old, and my headaches have advanced to severe pain and small seizures, accompanied by blackouts.

the headaches were actually severe, and daily. the blackouts, occasional, but often enough to have my license revoked for six months. (i blacked out behind the wheel with both of my girls in the car. luckily, we weren't hurt.) my doctor finally put me on a very strong medication for pain, called methodone. this took away the every day pain in my life, which was taking away my every day ability to be a mother, work, and basically, just to function. i was also put on a medication to control the blackouts. i felt halfway free, for the first time in my life.

a month or so ago, my doctor informed me that the state had taken away her license to prescribe pain medication. which meant for me that i had to find another doctor, and fast. so i went to my family doctor, and asked to be referred to someone else. in the meantime, i asked him to please refill my medication.

that's where it all came to a crashing halt. he said he was taking me off the methodone. he said that the new doctor would in no way shape or form prescribe it for me. then he started writing a prescription to get me off the methodone without all the horrible withdrawl symptoms it can cause. i just sat there in that chair the whole time, fighting the urge to start crying and screaming at the same time. in the blink of an eye, i felt my whole world crashing down around me. it felt like i was seeing my doctor, but through a little pinpoint of light.......which got smaller and smaller while everything else went black around me. when he left the room, i began to cry.

i know rationally that this, in the long run, is probably the best thing for me. i also know that i can live through any withdrawl i might have while getting off the medication. what i fear the most is not feeling like a whole person anymore. i fear being in pain every day. i fear being a useless human being who can't work - now getting a new job seems impossible. i fear becoming a woman who can't take care of her children. i fear being a person who can't FUNCTION.

i'm truly scared. i'm not sure where to go from here. if i thought it would do me any good at all to go back and talk with my doctor, i would. but i don't see it. now i just feel stagnant, like i could go under and drown at any given moment. i'm scared like i've never been in my life.

as if the above problems weren't enough.

it's all just a day in the life.

peace,

i'm out~

jj

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