It's been a hella long time, I know, and my updating skills have been for shit. This is something that goes with my life right now though, unfortunately.
After nine months of avoiding men and any form of a relationship with them at all costs, (do any of you remember me writing about the Hulio fiasco?), I started dating a guy named Bryan. I met him at school in about November and liked him right off, but was very hesitant about telling him how I felt, or even hinting at the fact. Even though we became really close, I couldn't do it. I was so afraid of being hurt - it's happened too many times, and I thought I'd be better off to stick it out alone. It turns out I was right. He asked me out at the end of April, and ever since I've been nothing but happy. I mean, it was pitiful - it was almost like I was in high school again, and my best friend Melanie teased me mercilessly. She was happy for me, because she knows how much I've missed that feeling of being able to just care for someone; that indescribable feeling of just being wanted by someone again. Do any of you know what I mean? I'm sure you do. Anyway, like I said, being with him felt wonderful. We did just about everything together; we talked to each other every night for hours, we went out and partied with our friends, we went out to dinner, and sometimes, we just hung out at his house or mine. He even went as far as to ask to meet my girls, and came to the hospital to see my daughter when she got her tonsils and adenoids taken out. (This is something else I've been very busy with, as the surgery made Amanda very ill for a week). Anyway, this is something I never do, is bring someone home right away to meet my children - it's almost like a golden rule with me. But he treated me like a queen. He treated me like I mattered to him. I should have known it was too good to be true. God I am so fucking stupid. Now, every time I think about what's happened in the last four days, it makes me want to vomit my guts out, because it hurts so bad and makes me terribly nervous all at the same time. It feels like someone has carved out my heart with a dull paring knife. I know that right now, you're all waiting to read what the hell this asshole did to JJ, but I can't even write the rest of it at the moment, because it still hurts way to much. Let's just say that put simply, he never gave a flying fuck. It was all just a game. On top of all of this, I have been crazy busy with school. In early April, I tried out for a play that one of my writing instructors is directing, and I got a part (I couldn't believe it). It's not the lead, but it's the part of the doctor, and is actually a pretty good size one. If that hasn't been keeping me busy enough, though, the last two weeks have been finals week at school. I've been studying and typing my fucking brains out, but as upset as I've been, I can't believe I made it through the last of my papers and exams. I'm finally done, though, THANK GOD. I am so tired of school, and now with all that's happened, I never want to set foot in that building again. Well kids, that's all from JJ for now. I hope everyone understands that I haven't abandoned them, and I'll be making the rounds tonight to give everyone out there who's left me a little note a shout. Oh, and to Natalie and Cortney, I've missed you guys! xxx~ jj10:21 p.m. - May 22, 2003
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