hey all....i couldn't sleep, and damn it's getting late. but have you ever thought about this? what the hell is time, actually? i mean, i know what time is. but if you really start to think about it, time is the same everywhere. if it is almost 1:00am here in good ole iowa, then over in say, india, it is almost 11:30 am. but when you think about it, even though they are almost nearly half a day ahead, time is the same everywhere. clocks are really nothing. to me, this shit is a trip!!! and why india? because that is where the one man that is nearest and dearest to me is at this moment, being he has a BA in marketing, and helps to run an import/export business with his family. i can't wait until he comes back to the states to be with me. N is one of the most important people in my life, and i hurt him at a time when i needed him desperately. i am so lucky and blessed by his understanding.
when i found out my mother had a very serious heart condition, i knew i was being faced with losing her (and i am still having to worry every waking moment about her condition). this is the worst thing i have ever been through......i don't know where i would be without her every day. she is my very best friend, confidant, but above all, my beloved mother. so, out of complete and desperate fear, i turned my back on a man who mattered so much in my life, it hurt. but being good ole me, i couldn't trust him enough to tell him what was going on in my head. it was one of the dumbest choices i have ever made, leaving him. just pushing him away...without any warning. and i did it so badly. just like with most of the good men who have ever come into my life. it's like i can't believe i deserve anything good. but turning thirty did something for me. it made me see things the way they were, and for what they could be. i am very grateful for that. so i wrote him. we talked over a period of a couple weeks, and to my complete amazement he forgives me. he understands. he even went as far as to say i didn't need to say sorry. i have never in my life had someone care for me so unconditionally. not a man, anyway. always my mother, my grandmother, and aunt that i am very close with. but never a man i loved. he is one of the most loving people i have ever known. one of these days, he will be here with me. he will be back in my arms, instead of in my dreams. and someday, we will have it all. sometimes......life can be amazing. and in our minds and heart, we can have it all. but only if we let it in. peace, i'm out~ jj12:49 a.m. - May 25, 2002
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