all i've ever wanted in my life was something real....true love...as true as it can actually be, i guess...i don't ask for a whole lot. i don't think it's going to happen. i used to sit and watch old love stories, like "breakfast at tiffany's", or "an affair to remember"......it may be simple and stupid to you, but to me it was the kind of love people lived and died for. i don't know...but i just don't think it exists. not truly.

tonight M called....after sucking me into his life, making me feel wanted, needed, cared for....he walked away without a backward glance. after two months, he called to tell me he was depressed, and basically needed to cry on my shoulder about his love life....like nothing had ever happened. in a nutshell, i told him never to call me again. goodbye, fuck off. he was pissed off, and i don't think he will ever truly know how hard it was for me to tell him not to call me....it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. it hurt me so bad...like the kind of cut you feel deep down, that aches and aches in your chest and never goes away.....that part of you that you wish you could just cut out. i'm thinking that's one price you pay in life, for the respect you feel you deserve...because if i would have talked with him tonight, and let him back in, he would have never respected me, not that he ever cared anyway. he couldn't even say he was sorry.

why do people always leave? lovers, friends, family...they always leave. it's all the same.....LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE.

-jj