praying for peace, and above all, miracles.........
9:22 p.m. on April 27, 2002
hello....another day, another update. so here goes.
today was a very boring day. the only excitement i had was sparring on bitchfest and watching behind the music and driven. one featured ozzy, the other was about marylin manson. they were both great. the one on driven about marylin manson was really interesting, too.....i remember listening to manson when the band was called marilyn manson and the spooky kids. they were great.
anyway......in other news, my youngest daughter, alyssa, is locked in her bedroom, throwing the fucking tantrum of the year. she is nine, and really too old for it. usually i go in and try and get her out of it, because she is the baby after all, but tonight there is no way. it all started because amanda didn't put her toothpaste and toothbrush away. good lord in heaven, she committed the ULTIMATE fucking sin there!! then the tantrum snowballed from there. ahh....to be a mother. at times, i wish mom was NOT my name.
tonight i was talking to my mother about her upcoming testing, and she admitted to me that she is really scared. i don't blame her in the least bit......i think i might be as scared as she is. my mother has two things going on: she has a leaky valve on her heart, and she also has an enlargement, which causes her blood to backflow into her heart every so many beats. monday she has to go in to the hospital for a esophageal echocardiogram, which is a procedure that basically works like this: the doctor inserts a long piece of tubing with a scope and a light on the end of it into your mouth. then he forces the tubing down your throat so he can see your heart, and how bad the damage is. this test is better than just a regular echocardiogram, (which she already had), because it can pick up on the severity of the leaking valve, how much the heart has actually enlarged, and if there are any blocked arteries. which if my mother has any blockages, they can't do surgery to repair the damage. and that would be very bad.
i've tried to be very strong for her. i've gone on and on to her with my reassurances about how it's good they are doing all of this, that they are specialists, that they can repair the damage, so there's nothing to be afraid of. but deep down inside i am saying prayers over and over to god above....please god, don't let my mother die, please god, don't take her away from me, please god, don't let her heart be in as bad of shape as they think.....it's neverending. but showing her my fear would be the worst mistake i could make right now. i know this like i know my name. i just need to keep up the front, for her sake.
well, i need to get going and get my daughters to bed, so that's all for now. alyssa has finally stopped her tirade, so peace lives again. for now!!
peace, i'm out~
jj
alone street dawgs
