today was awful.
besides being scared of my mother's upcoming test tomorrow morning, i also had to deal with my asshole of the year step father. it's like, he's pissy, and i'm his scapegoat. a moving target if you will. i was told to leave, he didn't want us here, i was a terrible mother, and above all, he told me i was worthless. my youngest daughter went into her room and sobbed, my oldest tried to scream at him to shut up. and so now, that is that. it's done between him and me.
for a long time, i've lived with the fact that i've never quite measured up in his eyes. i've lived with the fact that he resented me, had no respect for me, and wished i wasn't around. i've also lived with the fact that the only reason he has ever tried to get along with me was to hold on to my mother. and all along, every time he starts his tirades, i keep my mouth shut. i'm the one who eats crow and turns the other cheek, for my mother's sake. but no longer. i am done. it occurs to me that i am no longer a powerless child. he is the one with the problem. he is the one who is worthless.
it's time to fly out of here. there were many reasons for staying this long, but none of them are worth it anymore. i won't see my child go to her room and sob again. i won't see my other child beg her grandfather to stop being awful to her mother. it's time to go. i don't care what i have to do, or where i get the money. my girls need out. before they are both adults and in abusive relationships. i know i would never be able to live with myself if they turned out like me and my mother. NEVER.
for me, it's off to bed......to lie awake for hours trying to figure out what i'm going to do. but god help me, my children won't grow up living with the hell i did. i would rather die first. one more thing...if anything should happen to my mother, i will never forgive him.
peace, i'm out~
jj alone street dawgs
