today i was out and about with my youngest daughter, alyssa. she had to have her eyes examined today, because she's having trouble seeing from far away, and getting terrible headaches. it turns out the poor kid is nearsighted. fun!! now she has to wear glasses all the time. i thought at best she'd be like me, and have some kind of problem she could grow out of. but nope.....the poor kid got the shaft genes!! the only thing was this: she looked really pretty in her glasses. the kid has gorgeous eyes, glasses or no. and she's so easy to please.....i thought she would have a FUCKING FIT at the idea of wearing them. but nope....she took it on the chin like a pro. i was quite proud of her!!
today when i was taking her back and forth across town, from the eye doctor to pearl vision, i heard the song "sister luck" by the black crowes. this threw me into a tailspin....i haven't heard or thought of that song in a long time. it really brought back some good and bad memories. so here goes:
when i was in college about six years ago, i met a guy in my psych class named eric. from the day i saw him, i thought he was beautiful. every time i went to class, i wanted to talk to him. but i was always nervous, for two reasons:
one, just basically being a puss.
two, i knew he was younger than me.
so anyway.....time went on. one day, i came into class, and eric was sitting in my spot. so i sat down next to him, and being the basic smartass i am, i said, "this is my seat!!! if you don't move, i'm going to have to tell!!" in which he just smiled.....what a gorgeous smile. and the eyes..a grayish hazel blue color, and wize beyond their years. i don't remember ever having such a crush in all my life. it was maddening.
it was then i remembered i forgot my psych book.
i about had a heart attack or nervous breakdown or both right there. but i knew this: it was my chance. my one shot. so i leaned over and said: "i forgot my book...." to which he said: "here, you can share mine." and scooted over next to me. i about died. i couldn't believe i was acting this way. it's just NOT ME!!
the rest was i guess you would say "history" from then. i asked him out. he accepted.
he was nineteen!! nineteen!!! and i was twenty-five!! i couldn't believe my attraction towards him....i have NEVER been interested in someone younger. but eric was different. he was great.
we became best friends. we hung out.....we went everywhere together, he got along with my kids....it was awesome for me. i really thought we'd make it....i thought our friendship would evolve into something more.
the night we were together, i thought things had finally changed. and they had. we were out late, we had gotten a little tipsy, we were enjoying each others company. eric bought me a yellow rose, my favorite. he just knew.
when we finally went home, we talked for hours, about everything. a black crowes album was playing in the background, setting the mood. eric suddenly got up, and asked me to dance with him. the song sister luck came on, and eric took me into his arms. we danced and danced. he held me like no one ever has. we wanted each other, we wanted life, we wanted it all. the night was everything. the night could never end, not for us. we were invincible.
we went to the bedroom to make love. i wanted him......and i knew he wanted me. i felt like everything around me was spinning.....i felt alive. electric even. but suddenly, eric looked into my eyes and told me he was still a virgin. time just stopped. i told him i couldn't do it. i didn't want him to waste it on me......on someone he may decide down the road he didn't even love. eric was too special. not that i felt i wasn't as good as him. it was just....if it were me, i would want the same kind of love. the same kind of respect. so that's what i gave him.
after that night....things changed. eric decided he wanted to take me to meet his parents, who are jehova's witnesses. they treated me like i was lower than dirt. i was an unmarried, whoring mother of two, see. i wasn't worthy of their son's love. so i walked away, and i never looked back. and eric, he wouldn't even speak to me. and i knew why. i even dropped my psych class. it was easier not to see him...not to want to be near him. why? because i think i loved him. i didn't want his family to disown him, and i knew they would have, just by meeting them one time. and sometimes, i still think about him. he gave me a bracelet once, with a poem he wrote for me. sometimes, i still take both of them out and look at them. i think of eric, and his beautiful, wise eyes. but the song we danced to, that's still a hard one for me.
one day, i can only hope to find someone as good again. someday. until then, i'm like the song "sister luck". searching for something i'll never find.
peace, i'm out~
jj
Worried sick my eyes are hurting
To rest my head I'd take a life
Outside the girls are dancing
'Cause when you're down it just don't seem right
Feeling second fiddle to a dead man
Up to my neck with your disregard
Like a beat dog that's walking on the broadway
No one wants to hear you when you're down
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
A flip of a coin
Might make a head turn
No surprise, who sleeps
Held my hand over a candle
Flame burnin' but I never weep
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
What a shame!!
| Powered by SlagBoard |
|
|