It's oh so quiet........It's oh so still.......
9:25 a.m. on April 23, 2002
i was just mid-way through a great fucking thought, and what do ya think happened??? the shitty fuckin-ass server said DENIED. and that was that. none for you, dearie!!! fucking sheit it tis.
i was just saying how nice it is to be in the house alone today......it's wonderfully liberating. no kids, no parents, just the sound of clicking keys....this could be dangerous..heh. i now know that this is what has made me the most suicidal about being unemployed....never getting away from my family. work at least did that for me.
i apologize for the lack of updates lately...to my few loyal readers, that is...i have not been feeling well since the last of the methodone. i feel like a walking zombie...i could sleep through days at a time i'm sure, given the chance. my whole body aches, but not just like an aching flu feeling. it's like my muscles are all stiffened up....i feel like i need to stretch all the time. i'm starting to feel like i can't sit still...it's hell sitting at this screen right now. my head is hurting, and it feels like someone has pulled back my scalp, and is taking a big stick and poking my brain over and over...i feel like i could jump out of my skin. i just keep telling myself that i only have to make it until thursday, when i see the new doctor. just two more days.
and of course, the doctor says this is all for my own good. i just fucking LOVE people who try and tell you what's for your own good. right now i'm a uselsess piece of shit, but it's all for my own good.
i'm in a ton of pain, i can't do anything except lay around like a rag, or jump up and pace when my skin starts screaming again, but it's all for my own good. it's not like i fucking ASKED FOR THIS. it's not like i was fucking taking illegal drugs. a doctor, who was looking out for my best interest gave me the methodone in the first place. so i've about had it with my own good, thank you very fucking much.
peace, i'm out,
jj
