A lot of you have written and asked me what the deal was with Bryan, so here it is: a one time shot - JJ opening up. As much as I can, anyway.
Bryan is quite a bit younger than me. That in itself was my first mistake, as I've dated a younger guy before named Eric, and it all turned to shit. So based on past experience, I should have known better. But I really thought Bryan was different. Like I had said before, we did everything together, talked on the phone every night for hours, told each other how happy we were to have found each other, the whole thing. I was really happy too, which hasn't happened for me in a long time...the last time I even attempted a relationship with someone was with Hulio, and that was nine months ago. And of course, just like I said: I can usually spot a line of bullshit from a mile away. But not this time. This time, I was completely sucked in like a fucking fool. One day, out of the clear blue sky, I could feel him gradually pulling back - I could feel this distance - and at first I thought I was just being paranoid; insecure. But then two days later when Bryan said, "I want you to come by and see me when you get out of class, and I'll call you when I know you're done", he was just gone. Just like that. No warning, no kiss my ass, no fuck you, nothing. Apparently, he now tells my best friend that he got scared, and that he didn't know how to deal with having a relationship, which is news to me. He always made me believe he was sure, that I was what he wanted, and I'm not one to kid myself into thinking that there is something there that isn't. And I told him: please Bryan, just tell me the truth, always tell me the truth no matter what, because I can't take being lied to. And he made me believe that he wanted to be with me; he made me believe in life again, and then he took it away, just like that. So apparently, that's it. Now I have to put on this mask - this tough face; cold and devoid of emotion. When I see him, I don't speak to him, and I don't even let him meet my gaze, because if I do, he'll see how much he's hurt me. And I can't let him have that, too. I can't let him know that he broke me. I don't want to be one of those people who don't believe in love anymore. I don't want to be one of those people who grow cold, who are completely untrusting, who close off their feelings and hide behind concrete walls because they are scared that they'll get hurt. But it's so hard to believe. And God knows I wanted to believe in Bryan...11:19 p.m. - May 28, 2003
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