why nothing and nada? why, please allow me to fucking elaborate here.
1) an obvious reason: here i sit at almost 5am, and i can't fucking sleep. i'm so tired, i can't even see straight...my vision is blurring as i type this entry. but every time i lie down and close my eyes, they snap back open. 2) this one builds from #1, as the reason i can't sleep is due to the fact that every problem i have right now is racing through my brain at about five hundred miles an hour. it just all keeps spinning around and around...to the point where i wish someone would bash my brains in. i just want it all to stop. 3) mark has led me on...to the point to where i can only say i'm broken. i want to scream at him from a high rooftop, i want to claw at him until he swears he's sorry, i want to call and leave a message on his phone, telling him how much he's hurt me. above all, i want to make an excuse for him in my mind, i want to forgive him, i want to call him. but i won't do any of it. what i will do though, is ache for him. but when i'm done hurting, i know he'll show up again, when i least expect it. and that's when i'll put on my sexiest outfit to go hear his band play. that's when i'll make him wish to god that he wouldn't have let me go. that's when i'll make him know that there was never anyone but me. i'll never forgive, and i'll never, ever forget. goodnite all...xxx~ jj4:55 a.m. - August 13, 2003
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