life couldn't get any more complicated or depressing lately, and that's a bitch.
the main thing that has been going on with me lately is my relationship with mark, if you can call it that. we haven't slept together yet, but he's made it clear that he wants to be with me as much as i want to be with him. but, with one little complication: mark still lives with someone. i'm starting to feel like i can't live with it anymore. i care for him so much, and he acts like he feels the same way, but then there are times, like last night and today, when i called him to talk and he didn't return my calls. god it hurts. so i've decided this: i'm going out of town on friday, and mark knows this. he said he wanted to take me out tomorrow night, just the two of us, so we could talk before he left, and basically just be together. so if mark doesn't call me before friday, that is it. if he blows me off, it's going to hurt like hell. and i know i'll live through it, but that will be it. i'll never forgive him for it. right now, all i want to do is talk to him. but then, i'd rather cut off my own hand than to dial his number again. and that makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. it's my own fault though, and i know this. i should have never opened up my heart to him, and especially because of his present living situation. now, self-preservation is the only way. jj2:09 a.m. - July 31, 2003
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